You’re a mean one Mr. Grinch!! Yes, it’s the holidays and here is everyone spreading good cheer. People are looking for happiness and good tidings and here I am talking about the WORST year ever. Robert, don’t you normally talk about success, spreading positive vibes, doing your best, using every moment to create something new, blah blah blah? Why yes….yes I do! And today will be no different. But, I’ve talked to quite a few people this year and there are some that are just INTENT on being miserable, living a hard knock life and being beaten by everything imaginable. So, I figured I would write this list for them.
Here are the 10 best things you can do to ensure that 2014 is your WORST year ever.
1. Complain – It doesn’t matter about what. Just do it. The thing is, life is hard and it really doesn’t matter what you do, the world is against you and you are never going to come out ahead. So forget regular conversations. When anyone comes up to you and says “Good morning,” hit ’em with the old 1-2 complaino combo. Say, “What’s so GOOD about it?” and then “It might be good for you but my life sucks”. That’ll cut them off at the pass and you won’t have to worry about playing nice with ANYONE. AWESOME technique.
2. Look mad at everyone and everything – Do you KNOW how much energy it takes to smile and act nice and play like everything is ok? Don’t worry if you don’t know the answer. I measured it for you. It takes like 463,000 kilowatts. Yes, that’s a real number. You don’t need to look it up. I’ve done the work for you. I’m not saying you need to FROWN. That’s just more work. Just a good ol’ scowl will do. This is one of the best ways to keep people from around you. They just suck the life out of you anyway.
3. Talk about the stuff that everything else is doing wrong – YES!! This, right here, is the ABSOLUTE best use of your time. In fact, you should expend as MUCH energy as possible doing this. Do you know why? Because, this is how you attract people to you. Everyone needs to vent and its MUCH better when people vent together. So, you are actually doing the world a service when you do this. People who do stuff wrong just shouldn’t be allowed to continue. They are messing up the world and someone needs to make the rest of us aware. Why not you?
4. Talk about all the great ideas that you have, the things you would change and then do NOTHING about them – There are ideas people and then there are worker bees. And YOU, my friend, are an ideas person. Without the idea people, this world would NEVER have any great stuff, no new innovations, no great inventions. Idea people are the ones that make the world go round. Well, they actually don’t MAKE the world go round. They just come up with the ideas for it. And then someone else has to do it. But that someone should never be you because, I mean, you’ve got more great ideas to come up with.
5. Spend at least one hour a week putting all of the TV Shows that you need to watch on your calendar – OK, so the Good Wife is Sunday, then on Monday is Person of Interest, Scandal is Thursday. That means you have to fill in the other 4 days and then at least 3 hours each day. So, let’s throw some Two & a Half Men in there, Big Bang Theory, Tyler Perry comedies, a couple of Real Housewives and something on TBN just to get my religious inspiration on.
6. Never, ever, ever do anything to help anyone else unless you are getting paid – Look, life has to be lived. We all have bills. So, why should people expect you to do stuff for free? That’s called volunteering. But, if everyone volunteers, how are you supposed to live? Time is money so people should expect to exchange money for your time.
7. Expect others to do stuff for you for free or deep discounts – Well, that stuff that we talked about in #6 only counts if people are asking for MY time. Otherwise, who do they think I am, Warren Buffett? I’m not cheap. I’m just wisely frugal and so I always look for the best deal.
8. Never try new things – It’s doomed for failure anyway. All those people deciding to try to start a business that is going to flop, going back to school knowing they can’t find a job in this market, blah blah blah. Stay where you are. It might stink right now but it works. And you know what they say….”If it ain’t broke….”
9. Don’t take a stand on anything – Your name is not Malcolm X or Anderson Cooper. So, its a waste of time to share your thoughts. When you do share them, people have their own opinions ANYWAY. That’s just a waste of energy.
10. Don’t set any goals – Ahhhhh. THIS one is the one that leads to true FREEDOM. All these silly people talking about goals and resolutions at the beginning of the year and NONE of them ever make it. With all of the time they wasted putting the resolutions together in the first place and then the time they spend worrying about it and then the time they spend trying to do it only to fall off after 3 or 4 days, that’s time that they could be using to relax, take a vacation or something.
Trust me. Put all of these things into practice and I guarantee that you will have your WORST year ever.
But, if you’re not interested in that, I’d love to help you have a great year.